MACHETE (2010) REVIEW 2

Here we go, although Machete has already been reviewed i encouraged Karl to send his thoughts on the film over for a second opinion. So here we have Machete Review numero 2, please check it out...

Ok, the boss aka Peter Osmond has given me another crack after the hatemail he received over my Jaws review (DAMN YOU JAWS GEEKS ARE PICKY). I should've started at the bottom and reviewed some movie that you guys hadn't already seen a thousand times before. Making a new point about Jaws is like trying to tell a Christian that Jesus was a nice guy (IT ALSO DIDN'T HELP MATTERS THAT I CALLED ROY SCHEIDER ROB SHNEIDER... YEAH, I'LL PROBABLY GET BEATEN UP AT SOME POINT). No matter how many views I raise, you fuckers will have already thought of them. 

For a minute I was thinking of reviewing some of that shit that Andy Warhol used to make, just because I could finally pick a film that you chaps aren't fammiliar with... but I lasted three minutes before I turned 'My Hustler' off - you may have a cult following, Andy, but it isn't on my turf homme.

So I figured that I'd review Jennifer's Body. A film that was destroyed by the critics and I found kindly watchable. I mean, we had some awesome actors in Jen's Bod, J.K Simmons has been amazing ever since OZ, Amy Sedaris was badass in Strangers With Candy (BUT SHE'S BETTER IN THIS).

Kyle Gallner who was awesome in Jack Ketchum's Red and actually pulled off the tough job of a Nightmare on Elm Street character sympathetic. I'm hoping he can do a good job in Kevin Smiths' Red State.

Megan Fox, who will probably never act this good again - I know as a nation we disagree that the beautiful can pull off good acting jobs, but shit man, we as viewers seem eager to tear shreds out of any person who was better looking than us in high school. No wonder Jennifer Love Hewwit is knocking around on televison, you bastards ruined her confidence.
And Amanda Seyfried, who pretty much manages to turn Peter Sellers in this role. One of the most stunning actresses working today manages to pull off being the cute nerdy girl. Not an easy transformation as anyone who has ever seen Chloe can contest. But in my opionion she is a rare hybrid of a character of a handsome woman who is also a character actor. I hope it turns out well for her, because she deserves much more than teenage angst roles.

I was actually warned about watching this film by critics and friends alike, but I said 'fuck em' and watched it anyway. I was hoping to review this film for you today, but after saying 'fuck em' towards critics, it would feel like I was giving irony a blowjob.

So instead, here's Robert Rodriguez' insane Danny Trejo violent action film Machete... I should be on safe ground here.


Anyhoo, my fellow nerd chuckle Brother 2 the End brother, has allowed me to review Mac-Che-Tey. And I can only give this bastard a fictional 3 Stars? It's has Steven Seagal in his first theatrical release in years(BRITISH TERMS), Don Johnson - who I pretty much considered dead - although he's alive.

Jeff Fahey. who I consder an equal amongnst the Kevin Bacon's of this world - talented actors who just missed the big-time by the skin of his teeth(AND LET'S FACE IT, THE WOODSMAN SHOULD'VE GOT AN AWARD.) Darkman 3 was awesome, but that's a fight for another day.


Machete... watchable film, kinda cool to see the rapist from Con Air as the lead. Seagal is awesome on toast. Oh shit, you fuckers actually want an Ebert style review. Ok here it comes.
(I know the main amigo Osmond already posted a review of this flick, and when I suggested maybe reviewing The King of Ants, he pretty much said "fuck it, I want to see your take on this review" which actually translates into: "Final chance fucker". So I'll do my best.)

Danny Trejo (the rapist from Con Air, and the Michael Myers hugger from Halloween-lite) plays pretty much your standard cop in a great Seagal movie. His partner even gets killed within the first few moments, I timed this and 'Chico' from Out For Justice has less screne time. Rodriguez clearly knows his shit when it comes to 80's action films that were basically my babysitter as a nipper.

So all systems ahead, this film has Daryl Sabara in it - who I fucking loved in Worlds Greatest Dad. Jeff Fahey who is really looking rough around the edges, but really had me on the edge of my seat during DIE DARKMAN DIE. Don Johnson who I think deserves a booste, as I actually class him as a good actor.

And Robert De Niro. Okay the guy isn't the Heat machine he used to be, and casting him in a film like this is more gimmick than anything. But shit, that bastard stopped me and Osmond getting laid back in our teens, just because we'd rather be watching Once Upon A Time In America than going out into town and trying to score... Yeah, I think we fucked up there, Osmond.


So this should work, right? All these straight to DVD actors plus De Niro must add up to something awesome. Unfortunately it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I personally enjoyed watching Seagal and Trejo(the rapist from Con Air) going at it, and there is no doubt in my mind that Rodriguez has the talent to make a scene like this badass... but his major problem is... fuck, we're going into flashback mode. So wave those chubby little fingers infront of your face to gain the 3d image.
1995... A time when 3d cinema was the stuff of a madmans dreams.

In 1995 during the wave of Tarantino-Fever, when everyone and I MEAN everyone wanted to suck Tarantino's dick, one man stood out. It was a horrible time, because as much as I think that Reservoir Dogs is probably neck and neck with Point Blank as far as crime movies go, Tarantino did fuck up a lot of talented screenwriters. All of a sudden all crime films used casual racism and had a pulp culture influence. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't the fault of the screenwriter, I think it was more of a case the studio saying 'Hey bro, cool script. But can you use the 'n' word more, and maybe throw in a reference to some comic book the public has never read'. It was a dark time for crime cinema, the genius of Tarantino was getting raped (Unless you count WAY OF THE GUN, which I'm hoping Osmond will let me review next.)

But then came along Desperado, a fun little film that cost little in Hollwood terms, but raised our hopes up high. The main character didn't bullshit about his favorite Spiderman costume, he was a genuine gunslinger. Which is why I think that Tarantino and Rodriguez became such good friends. Between them both they could own Hollywood. Tino could do his style whilst Rodriguez could do the wacky shit that messes with our brain.

Sadly it never worked out that way. Tarantino is still swimming, and as much as I loved From Dusk Till Dawn, I still can't help but mutter "what the hell. dude?".

The main problem is the same as Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Depp was great in that movie, granted. But dude, did we really need all these side-plots?

Wave your fingers infront of your face dude, we are now back in real time. It's no longer 1995, I have less hair, and no longer consider Nevermind to be the greatest album ever made.

Basically Machete has too many cooks. I understand the imigration issue more than most. I read The Guardian whilst being told racist jokes in work. I like to think I'm middle ground and to quote Jessica Alba in this movie I have a "Don't fuck with me, and I won't fuck with you" attitude. So I don't need to be bashed with anti-racial laws every three seconds.

I'll give this movie a pass. It's worth watching, but it isn't Sin City and sure you're going to be waiting a long time, kid. I'm rooting for the guy, I want him to finally show Zack Synder who's truly king of slow-mo deaths. Please Robert, I'm preaching your cause, but you gotta throw me a bone at some point. Maybe an Agent Sands movie?

END


Written By Karl David Leggett