Here's something i thought i'd never do, review a Twilight movie, why have i decided to review one now after three previous films have been released? well there is a reason, one of those reasons is because i thought it would be funny to read a review from someone who really really disliked it, and likes to pick holes in it's logic. Well that's what i did, click the read more link to find out why i hated it so much but be warned there are SPOILERS and a LOT of bad language...
This review may come across as biased seeing as I am a dude and this film is aimed squarely at single mothers and teenage girls so it's pretty much a given that I am going to dislike this film. I guess your wondering why I watched it then?, well to tell you the truth I actually didn't mind the first film, it was a competently made film which quite entertained me for the most part. What bugs me about the films though is author Stephanie Meyer's flagrant disregard for vampire lore. Instead of bursting into flames in sunlight these 'vampires' sparkle like a fucking disco ball, at least Buffy and True Blood stuck to the right formula.
Now for anyone who willingly and unwilling have followed this series of films, here's a breakdown of the plot, Bella Swan falls in love with a vampire called Edward, she then falls in love with a werewolf called Jacob, for two fucking films she can't decide which one she likes best. In the end of the third film she decides on the vampire. Twilight episode 4 starts with the Jacob dude receiving an invitation to the wedding of Edward and Bella and he gets so angry he takes his shirt off, in the rain, in the first 2 minutes of the film, this is unneeded as it's just teenage titillation and adds fuck all to the plot. Then we have the wedding, between a human and a vampire in bright sunlight and not a single vamp explodes into flames, or sparkles. This wedding ain’t exactly the godfather and seems more like the kind of wedding you'd get in an episode of neighbours which makes it all very soap-opera-ish and rather cheap. The best scene during the wedding is the speech made by Bella's father which basically went like this...'i am a cop, do anything to my daughter and I will shoot you in the face'. But I forgot to mention the flash back, the only one in the entire film that gives us a glimpse into the past of Edward, a badly staged 1940s flashback where he kills people and he expects Bella to react by wanting the relationship to end because she now knows he's a killer, he completely disregards the fact that she knows he's a vampire, A FUCKING VAMPIRE, of course she knows you're a killer, she's not an idiot....well actually she is an idiot, but c'mon Edward have some sense.
Anyway, we don't get any more period flashbacks from this point on which is a good thing I guess because I couldn't give a damn what he did in past life. Back to the wedding, where Edward escorts Bella to a tree line where Jacob is waiting, Edward leaves the two together and gets back to the reception leaving Bella in the hands of his arch rival (Dumb fucking idiot), Jacob proceeds to tell her not to have sex with Edward by telling her that if she does he's pretty much going to break her with his super mega vampire sex moves. Anyway Honeymoon time and guess where they go....a tropical fucking island that's bathed in heat and sunlight and yet he still doesn't burst into flames or sparkle. On their honeymoon, they do the dirty deed and Edward breaks the bed. Then they play chess, then there's a montage of them sitting in the sun, playing chess, then they fuck again and finally play some more chess. We're nearly 50 minutes into the film and so far all they've done is have sex and play chess and there's not a boob in site. Bella eats some chicken and throws up, two seconds later she's pregnant. Now i'm not a doctor but I do know something about vampires and what I know is that a vampire is dead, he has no blood hence the reason he is white, you also need blood to get a hard on and if you lack blood and a pumping heart, this isn't going to happen and also if you are dead then you will lack the means to reproduce, but the brilliant author Stephanie Meyer didn't think to research this when writing her book.
So they arrive home with Bella pregnant and as this is unusual as it's not supposed to happen everyone is concerned, just as concerned is Jacob and in a feat of screen writing genius, Jacob turns to Edward and actually utters the words 'you did this', state the bloody obvious mate, of course he did, she only fucked one guy. I mean it's shit like this that pisses me off about how these films actually make money, how many single middle-aged mothers and their teenage daughters are going to these films for the plot, I’d say probably around 1% while genuinely good scripts that are well written and original are getting passed over in favour of crap like this. As Bella gets more pregnant she gets more sick and to make the film as long as humanly possible, the filmmakers basically have the vamp family sitting around waiting for her to die, while Jacob who seems to be the most concerned person in this love triangle has to stop his wolf 'brethren' from killing Bella because if she has a baby, they're doomed. Yeah confused the hell out me too. She gives birth and dies and Edwards decides to eat her legs, meanwhile there's a bit of wolf wrestling and Jacob becomes a paedophile by 'imprinting' on the baby. Now remember the scene in Revenge Of The Sith where Natalie Portman gives birth, remember how she names them as they slide out of her, 'Luke, Leia' , pretty damn fast and also badly written by Lucas, well this scene is even worse, the baby naming scene goes like this....'if it's a boy, he's going to be called EJ, Edward and Jacob, if it's a girl I wanted to name it after your mothers, Rene and Esme....Renesme', that is no lie, that is an actual line from the film, you know what, when I have kids i'm going to name my son after Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger , he shall be called Jarnold or Arson and if it's a girl I will name her after Uma Thurman and Angelina Jolie, she shall be called Umalina or Angeluma, how the fuck did this woman get a publishing deal. Well Right at the very last minutes Edward turns Bella and she regenerates using what can only be describes as wolverine's mutant healing factor and she opens her eyes....guess what, she's lying on a bed in direct sunlight and she's a FUCKING VAMPIRE, yet she doesn't sparkle or explode into flames.
So that's the plot of Breaking Dawn part one, yes I have written a large plot synopsis but i've just highlighted most of the things that is wrong with the film, it's 117 minutes long and it's neither engrossing or emotional as I have zero interest in whether the snivelling emo two timer lives or dies , this character is the complete opposite of a role model for young girls, her ethic is to give up everything to be with a man and she does just that, I have no sympathy for the character of Bella as she has no sense, she lacks any form of common sense and it baffles me as to why these young girls enjoy these films, Common sense is free, it won't cost you anything and everybody likes free shit so come girls get it while you can.
The films performances are as bland as the previous 3 films, Kristen Stewart pouts and looks unsure 99.9% of the time and I get the feeling she's had enough of twilight because she looks as though she can't be arsed any more, well at least she gets to sit down for most of the film. She's a one note actress, the most diverse she's ever been was when she played the frozen sister in Zathura and that was still a bit of stretch acting wise, actually I tell a lie, she was great in The Runaways where she played Joan Jett but was completely upstaged by Dakota Fanning as Cherie Currie, but fanning was missing from this one as she was in the last one. But Stewert needs to be more diverse if she wants to continue with a career in acting, but she's probably going to get type cast for the rest of her life so she's sorted I guess. Robert Pattison, who is a pretty decent actor outside of this franchise, again acts all broody and mysterious as Vampire Edward, why he acts like this I don't know, maybe he's insecure about something or that he can't believe that this dumb ass girl has given up everything to be with him so he puts on this act. He should have just eaten her face when he had a chance. Taylor Lautner, who's career is based on his abs and a static facial expression that makes him look like a retarded Matt Damon, once again proves, even after trying something different with Abduction (don't bother with this film it's rubbish), that he can't act. He looks down and pouts in every scene and his teeth are unnaturally white which creeps me out. He will forever be Sharkboy to me.
The supporting cast does pretty much the same thing they've done for previous 3 films, although Ashley Green is hot, Sarah Clarke (24) has much more screen time that the previous films but isn't on screen long enough to make an impact, the same goes for Billy Burke as Bella's father, who has consistently been the best actor in the films, he's barely in it too. But the single best performance in the entire film is a 1 minutes scene that introduces some new characters that are to appear in the second part, that performance is from Maggie Grace who I had no idea was in this, she plays an angry cousin of the Cullen family and puts all the cast to shame in this very very minor scene. Hopefully she's going to be good in Lock Out and when she returns in Taken 2. Another missed opportunity was the introduction of the stunningly beautiful Myanna Buring who recently starred in Ben Wheatly's Kill List and Lesbian Vampire Killers, she doesn't even say a word and Im hoping she'll get more screen time in the finale of this franchise.
The third film, Eclipse, was ok, it was a lot better than the second film which was dire, and this was down to director David Slade who made the film slightly more violent than the previous two and added a bit more grit to the proceedings, but with this film and the second part, taking over the reigns is Bill Condon who to his credit has only made 2 films worthy of any form of critical praise, Kinsey and Dreamgirls, and previously helmed Candyman 2, so I don't know what went wrong with this film, it was blandly directed with a lack of any action until the wolf wrestling and just bored the crap out of me. I have nothing against the director, but when you've never worked on a high budget production with a large amount of visual FX, even though the CGI is a bit shit compared to what we see in fully animated movies like Rango, you'd think the director would try and make it the most exciting film of the franchise but that doesn't happen, instead almost everything is shot in doors, in boring takes while people wait around for someone to die. I was hoping that Blade or Buffy would turn up and stake these sparkly arseholes and save us the trouble of another Twiligh movie, but that is just my geeky dream.
Overall this is a horrible film that lasts way too long that has underlying themes of Necrophilia, Bestiality and Paedophilia that is being marketed to young girls who buy into this shit and make hacks like Stephanie Meyer rich. The sad thing is that as I've got this far, with only one film left to go, I will have to watch it, and with news that new rights holder of the franchise, Lionsgate are planning to continue the films makes me kind of sad, unless Lionsgate, who are well known for their actual horror output decide to make it ultra-violent and introduce a vampire hunter, then I don't think I will continue after this one is done. I'm not recommending this one bit, but if like me, you've endured the previous three and really do need find out what happens then by all means sit through but just be warned, it's long, it's boring and all they do is play chess for 30 minutes. I have to give this a star rating so it's going to have 1, because it's awful...
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