I’d like to
preface this review by stating I can pretty much suspend my disbelief
to an incredible degree, which has allowed me to enjoy the most
preposterously conceived plots, but, once in a while I’m hit with a
flick that asks me to suspend it beyond that which I have the
capability, or even the desire, to do so; those flicks generally end
up sucking.
Then
there’s this movie, which is a whole other animal all
together.
Welcome
to my movie review of DETENTION . . .
By
the time you have read this, I have tried many times to start writing
it, each time, though, deleting my opening sentence/paragraph simply
because I do not know how to get this damn thing into gear. I know
what I want to eventually say, it’s just finding the right way to
say, and in a way where I don’t sound like my mind has just taken a
terminal nosedive off a cliff.
Why is this review a chore?
Good
question—because the movie was a chore to get through. No, that
isn’t necessarily true. It took me two nights to watch it, with a
third set aside to listen to the commentary. The first night I could
only tolerate thirty minutes of it. The second night I didn’t start
giving a shit until there was forty minutes left. And during those
final forty minutes I had an epiphany about what I was seeing. This
epiphany allowed me to see the movie in a whole new light and
actually enjoy it. But before I get to exactly what I realized let me
go back to that first night and explain what I saw.
I
could tell right off the bat I was going to hate this movie with a
passion. It opens with some high school chick laying in bed, looking
up at the camera and saying how much of a bitch she is. To make the
scene worse, B-I-T-C-H, is spelled out onto the screen and she tells
us what each word stands for.
As
the movie goes on I see how much of bitch she really is. More like
uber-bitch. Bitch on steroids. Bitch jacked up to the nth degree. She
continues to talk to the camera ala Ferris Bueller. And it doesn’t
make any sense at all when she curses out her little brother and her
whole dialogue is bleeped. It makes even less sense when this
costumed killer just appears in her room, slits her throat, throws
her onto her bed, stabs her some more, then chucks her out the
window, where she lands on the hood of her mother’s car, with said
mother waiting inside to taker her school.
The
opening credits were somewhat of a puzzle too, which I didn’t
identify until right at the end. Before that I was thinking why are
these names popping up on lockers, candy bars, doors, a combination
lock . . . shit, none of this is making any goddamn, fucking sense.
Why is Dane Cook’s name on that door? Is he playing himself? What
the fuck is going on here?!
Cut
to night two . . . my movie going experience wasn’t getting any
better, nor did I expect it to. I hate movies where things pop up on
screen, like the B-I-T-C-H thing did, and it happens again. I hate
movies where the teens spout Diablo Cody dialogue. Incidentally, one
of the kids in the “audio commentary” says he read the script and
loved it, ‘cause it was exactly how kids talk.
Really?
I
seem to think they didn’t, until Diablo Cody started writing movies
where they do, and kids just picked up on it, and started using it.
Now, I have no kids, nor am I around kids on any kind of basis (thank
you, God, for that), so I have no first hand knowledge if their
vocabulary is indeed corrupted in such a manner.
It
wasn’t until the movie incredulously pulls in the concept of time
travel that I began to finally understand what the fuck I was looking
at. This is where the epiphany happened, but now I was curious if
this epiphany had also occurred to the filmmakers, and, if it did,
was it a conscious effort to make the film in this manner, or
something just the opposite?
The
“audio commentary” would surely tell me which it was, and even
the commentary isn’t normal, as you watch the movie in this mode,
video pops up at different cornesr of the frame and you get to see
all the actors, and director(s), talking about it, their characters,
etc. Even some behind-the-scenes video will play in one corner while
someone is talking about it in another.
Anyway,
after all was said and done, I learned the filmmakers had no idea
what they were really doing, and that what I’m about to discuss is
something they unconsciously did.
Basically,
speaking, this is the first movie I have ever seen that comes
the closest to following dream logic. Honestly, if you think about
it, pretty much every movie ever made has some form of dream
logic running through it, some more than others. Especially when
you’re dealing with genre flicks. It’s pretty low-key in a flick
that is based in “reality.” But we have all seen moments when
characters do things they wouldn’t do, or an event occurs that your
mind clearly registers as “implausible,” given whatever
parameters of reality the filmmakers have set down for that
particular flick that you must believe.
Here’s
what I mean by dream logic, for those readers who are still lost. I
had a dream a few weeks ago where I was at this mall, a mall I
visited once when I was a kid. And at the mall I visited this comic
book store that was so small it was, like, built into the corner of
the building. I remember there were also these benches so close to
the store, you could sit on them, and still read the comic book
titles on the stands.
In
the dream, I think, it was Donald Sutherland who was sitting on the
bench, and he and I were friends, and I was thumbing through the
comics looking for a book he wrote. Suddenly, I came to the
realization, I was mistaken, and he hadn’t written any book. I
turned to him, told him this, chuckled, and decided to leave.
I
took this really thick book, put it on the floor out in the mall,
flipped open the cover and sat on it, with the cover between my legs.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m a kid again. I hold onto the cover, like
it’s a steering wheel and the book and me begin sliding around.
It’s going to slow, I think, then I push the cover forward and it
speeds up.
Oh,
so this is how it works, I think.
Then
I’m downstreet driving up to the intersection on my book, and no
one else bats an eye. Like it’s common to see a dude driving a
book. I had no concern of where I had just been, just that I knew I
had to drive where I was driving. I don’t recall where I had to go,
but it was night downtown and I drove my book through the
intersection without a problem.
This
is what DETENTION is—it’s a series of random events woven
together by the rules that govern dreams.
But
what is DETENTION about?
It’s
about high school kids being killed off by a serial killer who is
mimicking the killer in a popular horror franchise within the movie.
Shades of SCREAM and SAW pop up. But, if I disregard my
epiphany, what do I make of the odd left turns the movie constantly
takes when it introduces it Diablo Cody dialogue, a time machine in
the form of a eight foot tall bear statue, UFO sightings, a daughter
and mother who go back in time by exchanging minds, or a bully who
suddenly loses it during his football game and begins spitting up the
same acidic bug juice Jeff Goldblum spit up in THE FLY, and
who recounts a memory that has to be seen to be believed, one that is
punctuated by him fucking this girl and fly-wings bursting from his
back?
Speaking
of this bully, what then should I chalk his second meltdown to, when
he’s at this party, drunk, and spikes pop out of his hand, and his
eyes glow. His origins are never explained, nor are they ever
addressed in the commentary. He dies at the hands of the killer an
enigma of filmmaking, or does he?
I
have had many dreams where I have spoken to people and beings and
unable to hear what they are saying, hence the bleeped dialogue of
the bitch’s tirade in the opening scene. For the record, in the
commentary, you will be able to hear what she said unedited.
I
have to admit, though, I have never traveled in time in my dreams, by
opening up the belly of bear statue and climbing inside to operate a
plethora of holographic controls. Have to put that one on my bucket
list.
The
characters in DETENTION accept each incredulous left
turn like it happens every other Sunday, just like we do when we are
caught in the grip of a dreaming slumber.
This is my epiphany.
If
you don’t believe me, go and watch the movie.
Then,
you’ll see what I speak is truth.
I do
not have a blu-ray player, so this disc assessment is based on the
standard DVD. Even so the transfer is gorgeous and in a 2.40:1 aspect
ratio. The only extra on it is the aforementioned “audio
commentary/behind-the-scenes,” titled, “Cheat
Mode: The Unbelievably Mind Melting Making of Detention.”
If
you get the blu-ray, you get two more featurettes, titled,
“Fight Rehearsal,”
and “Riffing
with Dane,” and
a “three Screen Tests with Shanley Caswell, Aaron David Johnson,
Yves Bright.”
There
are no trailers.
This
is/was my DETENTION review.
Written by Shawn Francis
I forgot to mention the funniest person in the movie is the gym teacher, and the guy who plays him is just as hilarious in the commentary.
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