I did it again, I sat through another Twilight movie but it's ok, it's the last one and the curse is lifted. I decided to share my views on this film with the world which is why I wrote a rather large 4 page review. Check out my words after the jump.....
If
you've read my previous review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt.1, you
will notice how I completely hated that wretched pile of shite, well
it's that time again and this time the saga ends with...BREAKING DAWN
PT. 2. Now being a fan of horror movies and vampire movies in
general, you can understand why I dislike this franchise, but even
though I hate it, I still feel the need to watch the next instalment,
it's like when you flick through the TV channels in the afternoon and
you come across the Jeremy Kyle show and some absolute scum fuck is
on there waiting to find out if one of ten men is her baby's daddy
and when they cut to a break you don't turn over, you wait till it
comes back just to find out if the specific tax leach pot head who
tucks his trackie bottoms into his socks is the baby's father, it
sucks you in unlike the slag who probably sucked the tax leach off,
it's like a carnival sideshow, you know it's fucking wrong but you
just can't help staring at it. I know it's shit but it draws me in
every time and I lose serious man points because of it, but the tale
of the selfish emo bitch and her love for a dead guy and a dog seems
to be what everyone likes, even if the vampires do sparkle and the
wolves are FUCKING HUGE but can't walk on two legs (maybe the
animation package doesn't allow for two leg walking), people are
still drawn to this drivel and sadly I am one of those sad fucks who
allows himself to be duped into thinking the next one must be better
than the previous, and finally it actually paid off because Breaking
Dawn Pt 2 is a marked improvement over the first part, more shit
happens and the Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle is dead because
Jacob has a hard on for the child (yeah I know, fucking paedo) and
the Volturi, the vampire high council are out to get the baby because
Maggie Grace's character is too fucking stupid to check to see if the
child is actually a threat.
Basically
the film starts about three days after the end of Pt 1, Bella is now
a vampire and can run faster than the flash, is stronger than the
hulk and has a power the X-men could only dream about (more on this
later), Jacob is still about but he's not interested in Bella any
more due to him imprinting on Renesme (I think that's how you spell
it), a CGI baby that for the life of me I don't understand the
reasoning behind the baby being computer generated, maybe they asked
for a new born baby but no new mothers wanted to be associated with
the film, anyway, the baby is CGI and it looks fucking silly, Jacob
calls her Nessie to which Bella, in a feat of astounding script
writing says the line, “ you nicknamed my baby after the loch ness
monster”, seriously folks, I was half expecting him to nickname her
godzilla, Well Nessie is growing at a rapid rate, like that chick did
in The 4400, and within three weeks she's about 7 years old. While
Bella and Nessie are out collecting snow flakes, at least I think
that's what they were doing, Maggie Grace appears on a hill about 8
miles away from them and goes all Shannon on us (Lost reference
people!) and runs off to the Volturi to speak to a slumming Michael
Sheen who looks like Kenneth Williams has just wandered in from Carry
On Dracula, and tells him that the child is an immortal child, cue
some bullshit about how these kids are like the Village of The Damned
kids and a flash back to some ancient time where all these 'immortal'
children are slaughtered, I was a bit hazy on this, there was
something about a child being born between two vampires that posed a
threat to the Vampire race. Alice, the shit hot girl with the short
hair who can see into the future, has a vision of the Volturi coming
for Renesme which prompts the Cullen family to recruit an army to
fight against Michael Sheen and his army of faux goth vampires and
Dakota Fanning. With an army of about 16, Jacob enlists his wolf
brothers to join the fight and reveals himself as a CGI wolf to
Charlie, Bella's dad, who at the moment is unaware that Bella is a
vampire, has had a baby and was planning on not telling him but
running away, selfish bitch. Charlie turns up at the Cullens' glass
house, remember these are vampires and they a live in a house that is
made of a substance that reflects light and expands it and they still
don't bust into flames, that's the last we kinda see of Charlie, if
anyone has been watching ABC's Revolution TV show will know that
Billy Burke plays the shows badass hero, Miles Matheson, so it's hard
to watch Burke play Charlie and not expect him to pull out a sword
and fuck some vampires up, wishful thinking I guess. Well Alice's
vision is correct and the Volturi certainly do show up, they meet on
a giant frozen lake or something and they bitch back and fourth until
Michael Sheen is shown that Renesme is half immortal/half human, how
the fuck that works is beyond me, which half is immortal, the left
side or the right, the bottom or the top? I don't fucking understand
how this is considered writing, it's almost as bad as Cameron's
Unobtainium in AVATAR. Michael Sheen still wants the child killed
then along comes the smoking hot Alice, seriously folks, Ashley Green
is smoking hot, and shows Michael Sheen proof that it will end badly,
then there is this massive battle, wolves vs vamps, vamps vs vamps,
good vamps with X-Men powers vs bad vamps with X-Men powers, it's
actually a pretty well staged battle, most of it is CGI and Bella
thinks she's Cynthia Rothrock, but I can't actually fault the battle
scene, it's also pretty violent for what is essentially a kids film,
heads and limbs get ripped off, but seeing as they are vampires and
devoid of blood they can get away with that in a 12A/PG-13 movie
because of the lack of blood, I would have loved to see this final
part go all Kill Bill during it's final stage and just fucking paint
the screen red but again like Charlie killing everyone with a sword,
it's just wishful thinking. One of the X-men vamps who can control
the elements (yes they did mix captain planet, the Last Airbender and
Twilight together) does a hulk smash and splits open the ground, lots
of vamps fall in including Edward. Cut back to Alice, still looking
smoking hot but everything is normal, there was no battle, there were
no decapitations, no limbs ripped off and no giant gaping hole in the
ground, that's right folks, twilight used the biggest cliché in the
screen-writing world, they fucking Dallas'd it, it was a vision, a
dream, I was half expecting Patrick Duffy to show up. Michael Sheen
decides it's not worth the hassle and pussies out, leaving Bella and
the Xmen to live with their weird mutant half immortal/half human
baby, the end, fuck you we just stole your money for the last 6 years
and gave you a shit ending, this all sounds very familiar, I invested
six years of my life into something only to get a fuck you pay-off,
where have I seen this before, oh yeah that's right, LOST.
This
film is disappointing, it does have WTF moments such as the CGI baby,
the fairytale cottage in the wood (wonder if they get WIFI out
there), the stoopid vision finale and the X-Men powers, but for all
it's problems, it's a speedy movie. It clocks in at 111 minutes which
is only 6 minutes less than the previous part, and this flies by, I
actually found myself vaguely enjoying it, like I said the battle
scene was pretty cool and well staged and they dropped the whole love
triangle shit that played out through the previous 4 movies but it's
still a bad film, not bad enough to earn 1 star because I think I
could probably sit through this one again like the first film which I
also kind of enjoyed, but not good enough to rise above 2 stars. I'm
not this film's target audience, i'll stick with real vampire flicks
in the future. Just a couple of recommendations for some great modern
vampire films; Daybreakers, Thirst, Let The Right One In, We Are The
Night, From Dusk Till Dawn, Fright Night (remake), The Blade Trilogy,
The Breed and the superb Stake Land are just a few great modern
vampire films you can sink your teeth into (see what I did there).
But
Pete, what about these X-Men powers you were harping on about? Ah yes
the special powers that Stephanie Meyer gave the vampires. I don't
understand where this came from because they never alluded to this in
the previous films but yes the vampires do have special powers, apart
from super strength, speed, sight and hearing. One of them can
control the elements, earth, wind, fire and water, one can make
vampires see different places, blind them and one of them is like a
walking talking tazer, like the Shocker from the Spider-man comics,
this just came out of blue and is one of the biggest WTF moments of
the film, but what's even more laughable is that even though she's
been a vampire for about 30 minutes, Bella has a power, a pretty crap
power but she has one none the less, she is a shield, she has the
ability to project a force field around someone to protect them from
harm, dumb as fuck in all honesty...oh and Renesme can fly.
As
usual the performances are dull and uninspired, Kristen Stewart
continues to prove she is infact a robot as she is incapable of
showing any emotion...at all, Taylor Launter is just glad he can take
his shirt off and Robert Pattinson looks like he's just had enough,
he's done, spent and can't be arsed with this bullshit anymore. In
fact the most animated performances come from the supporting cast,
Kellan Lutz has a bit more to do and cracks a smile every now an
then, Ashley Green continues to be smoking hot with he short hair
which is just...well, smoking hot, Myanna Buring who I am in love
with since the first time I saw her in Lesbian Vampire Killers shows
more emotion in the first 3 seconds of her character's introduction
than Kristen Stewart did in all 5 movies, Michael Sheen is having fun
playing the main villain, which he seems to be able to do in his
sleep, Check out a film called Unthinkable to see a truly fantastic
performance from Sheen and Billy Burke who, although he has only a
few minutes of screen time makes the best of it. One of the biggest
problems cast wise in Dakota Fanning, now i'm not bad mouthing
Fanning because she is a pretty fucking good actress, i'm dissing the
producers, writer and director for not giving her anything to do on
screen except stand still and stare, an absolute waste of a
phenomenal talent and I feel sorry for her for getting involved in
the film.
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