This next review is for the frankly awesome, boob-tacular, bang bang explody B-Action boobsploitation film, SAVAGE BEACH. We get 90 minutes of boobs, bombs and guns tied up a ludicrous plot involving stolen treasure and mercenaries. I Loved it, i hope you love it too.
Oh man it's been a
while since I last typed up a review. At the time I was on a major
80s movie trip and must have watched about 20 or so films, but i'm
back on the action, I fell off the wagon, rolled and took out three
armed guards, securing my ass in front of the TV screen for a first
time screening of Andy Sidaris' 1989 boob-tacular action flick,
SAVAGE BEACH. I could have easily reviewed his much more famous
Playmates with big 'ol guns movie, Hard Ticket To Hawaii, but lets
face it, much like The Room and Troll 2, it's been reviewed many many
times due to its sheer idiocy. Well fuck that film, Savage Beach is
where it's at, its the second sequel to HTTH after Picasso Trigger
and once again follows the buxom, blonde playmate federal Agents of
L.E.T.H.A.L, Dona and Taryn.
Anyone not familiar
with Andy Sidaris should seek out his work immediately. Sidaris is a
former 7 time Emmy wining Sports director who covered hundreds of
football games and even the Olympics, but deep down, like any red
blooded male, he wanted to see big boobed bombshells in exotic
locations firing big ass guns, so Andy, being a red blooded male
decided to make a series of movies that showed just that and while
some are excruciatingly bad others are just plain fun. Remember that
scene in Jackie Brown where Ordel is watching those bikini clad
Amazonian women firing machine guns and he makes that speech about
the AK-47, well almost all of Sidaris' films are that scene, extended
to 90 minutes. What I love about these movies, and these are pure
grade B exploitation movies, is that, much like HBO's Game Of
Thrones, Sidaris throws in a scene where two people are topless in a
jacuzzi making a plan or for exposition to push the plot along.
There's zero reason for them to be topless and in a jacuzzi but it's
more than welcome. It's safe to say that his films most definitely
are not Emmy worthy.
Anywho lets find out
what Savage Beach is all about...
Savage Beach follows
the adventures of Dona and Taryn, one government Drug enforcement
agent (Dona), the other a civilian pilot who tags along on missions
(Taryn) both bloody gorgeous too. The film opens with a gunfight and
an exploding van as Dona and Taryn along with two other agents as
they stop some “terrorists” (actually blokes with moustaches, The
Evil BASTARDS!) from importing drugs into Hawaii. As a cover, the two
girls work for cargo delivery company, Molokai Cargo, delivering
stuff across Hawaii in their Skyhawk Cesna plane. Anywho on this
occasion, Dona and Taryn have to transport some medication to an
island full of sick children, but there's a storm brewing and on
their journey home have to land on an island due to engine failure,
seemingly uninhabited island. Anyway back on the main Island, a man
by the name of Rodrigo plans to find a shipment of Filipino gold that
was stolen by the Japanese during world war 2, to return it to the
Filipinos along with the help of a Naval captain and an Army major.
They set out for the island to find the gold. We cut back to Dona and
Taryn who decide to spend the next five minutes skinny dipping, all
the while oblivious to the fact that they're being watched. When the
tits go back inside their tops, Dona and Taryn come up against
Rodrigo, the captain and the major. It turns out that Rodrigo
actually wanted to keep the gold for himself, but he's turned on by
his men, a group of hired mercs led by the legendary Al Leong (Die
Hard) who decide they want the gold instead. Dona, Taryn, The Captain
and The Major fight for survival against three, count them, three
mercs, the deadliest of who was Al himself, anyway, as expected the
girls kill the bad guys until Al has them surrounded, out of the blue
comes the watcher, the man who's been watching the girls, a Japanese
soldier, shipwrecked on the island since WW2, who looks like he has
dried mud on his face like Arnie at the end of Predator, it's
actually supposed to be old age make up. Al shoots him twice but he
manages to shove his samurai sword into Al, killing him. Dying in
Taryn's arms, the Japanese soldier recounts his tale of how he came
to be on the island and admits to killing Taryn's grandfather, then
he dies. Taryn chases Rodrigo who's trying to escape the island via a
boat with the gold. Taryn fires an explosive arrow at the boat,
blowing it up and killing Rodrigo, who then appears ten years later
in the sequel, Return To Savage Beach, one of the single worst films
ever made that actually has a scooby doo ending.
How the actual fuck
did I just manage to write a synopsis of an Andy Sidaris movie?.
That's pretty much the plot but it's definitely a fun movie to watch
with a few beers and a hard-on. Much respect to Mr Sidaris, he knows
what men like, we like boobs and he really does give us a lot of
boobs. His films are like that episode of South Park, Major Boobage,
which parodies Heavy Metal, i'm surprised he didn't just have a woman
stood infront of a camera for 90 minutes, jumping up and down while
topless, actually that gives me a goof idea, wait where was I, oh
right the boobs. Anyway it seems that you can't buy a bra for love
nor money in Hawaii because none of the girls wear them. But we are
grateful for that. The Script is a what you would expect from an
Andy Sidaris film, not much plot, mostly action and tits. The
dialogue is at times laughable, the delivery is wooden and the music
is kinda soft core porn calypso Jaz, but that all ads to the appeal
of the film, it's a much better script than Hard Ticket To Hawaii and
a lot more fun, I actually looked at my watch a few times during HTTH
but with Savage Beach the time just flew by. But the film really
belongs to it's two female stars, Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton,
both stonkingly gorgeous women, Carlton the cuter of the two, who
have great on screen chemistry and are fun to watch. Their little
trilogy which includes HTTH, Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach, are
for me the best films in Sidaris's 12 boobies and guns movies and
Return To Savage Beach was severely lacking their presence and I
kinda missed them.
I don't know how
Sidaris financed his films because he made twelve of these types of
movies and he uses helicopters, luxury yachts, convertibles, Jeeps,
Planes and copious amounts of weaponry which makes me wonder if he
had investments in companies where can just use their inventory.
But Savage Beach is
soooo much fun, everything a man needs is in the film, guns,
explosions, samurai, Helicopters, planes, the Navy, the Army, hidden
treasure, Al Leong and most of all playboy playmate and big old
bouncy boobs. Whatever you do stay away from Return To Savage
Beach....
For the pure fun
factor and the big boobs, Savage Beach gets a solid 4 out 5. (if this
was normal film it would probably only get 2 but it has boobs)
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