It's
that time of year again, the time to count down my best and worst of
the year and man was this year a shit year for movies, it's been so
hard to narrow down a top 10 best and 10 worst films because in all
honesty I’ve only been blown away by a a few. But I'm gonna have a
crack at this and see what I can come up with. So starting at 10 and
working up to 1 here comes my favourite films of 2013....
BEST
10. EUROPA
REPORT (2013) Dir: Sebastian Cordero
Sci-fi!
Mother-fuckin sci-fi! With the emphasis on the science part. Europa
Report is the single most intelligent science fiction film of the
year which actually uses science, well astrophysics and Space flight,
correctly. A team of astronauts are on a privately funded mission to
Jupiter's fourth Largest moon Europa, with the mission to search for
life. Europa Report, surprisingly could be called a Found Footage
film and some do refer to it as a horror film, something I do not,
it's not a horror film, it contains elements that maybe considered
horror but they're very limited, what make Europa Report special is
that it doesn't dumb down it's science for easy money, it's a
straight hard sci-fi film, maybe not in the same league as say 2001:
Space Odyssey, but compared to the films that do come out which are
considered “sci-fi” (yeah i'm talking comic book movies), this
film stands above them, as it's deeply intriguing as look at space
flight and contains some cracking performances by the likes of
Sharlto Copely and Daniel Wu and it looks stunning, the scene in
which the lander descends to Europa is stunning. Now i've not yet
seen Gravity, so my big hard sci-fi boner goes to Europa Report and
that's why it's numero 10 in my countdown.
WORST
GROWN
UPS 2 (2013) Dir: Dennis Dugan
Oh
man I really enjoyed the first Grown Ups film, it made me laugh no
end but my god was the sequel a pile of shit, it some amusing moments
but it had no plot what so ever, the entire film was pretty just a
series of sketches linked by a few scenes that could be considered a
plot, in almost every scene someone gets slapped, poked, puked on,
slips or generally gets hurt, if want to see this kinda shit i'll
watch a Jackass movies. Avoid.
BEST
09. BULLET
TO THE HEAD (2013) Dir: Walter Hill
Yeah
big whoop, wanna fight about it, yeah I dug the shit out of this
flick, it was a old school Walter Hill gun blazing again, Stallone is
good, Jason Mamoa made an effective villain and people get shot in
the head. I know this flick didn't do too well with the critics but
fuck 'em I bloody loved it. Stallone plays Jimmy Bobo, a hitman down
in New Orleans who's partner gets whacked by Khal Drogo and Stallone
goes on a revenge mission, teaming up with DC cop Han from Fast And
Furious flicks, who incidentally replaced Tom Jane in the part
because Joel Silver wanted someone ethnic for the role, Plus you get
Christian Slater in his first Cinema release since Broken Arrow I
think, well maybe not that far back but I can't remember the last
film Slater starred in that had a theatrical release. If you can
ignore the shit spewed by the critics and actually watch the film,
you'll find it entertaining, I might be biased because i'm a big
Walter Hill and Stallone fan, but give this hardcore, old skool
actioner a chance...
WORST
HOW
I LIVE NOW (2013) Dir: Kevin MacDonald
I
had a choice of 2 Saoirse Ronan films, the other being The Host but I
didn't even finish that one. How I Live Now could have been so much
better than it actually was, the film has a bleakness to it that we
rarely see but that gets destroyed by the Incestuous relationship
between cousins and the fuckin' apocalyptic love story that see's
Ronan crossing a post apocalyptic England to find her one true love,
her fuckin cousin. Apart from the stooooopid relationship, which by
the way happens with in a day of them meeting, is the miss handling
of what is supposed to be a nuclear attack on London, the bomb drops
and they're instantly showered with ash, now these characters are
miles out in the country, I call bullshit on that one, but I should
have known what to expect as the film is based on a YA novel, the
same kind of novel that gave us the fuckin' Twilight movies. Had How
I Live Now avoided the whole love story shenanigans and concentrated
on the aftermath of a nuclear explosion, it could have been the
bleakest and most thought provoking film of the year but it's just
another prissy teen romance movie....
BEST
08. OLYMPUS
HAS FALLEN (2013)Dir: Antoine Fuqua
Why
did I like Olympus Has Fallen? I'll tell you why, Olympus Has Fallen
doesn't pretend to be anything other than Die Hard in the white
house. It's Cheesy, violent, foul mouthed fun from start to finish,
it contains about a hundred face palm and WTF moments but it does so
with such heart, it's a fucking bang bang explody explody movie and I
loved every single minute of it from it's opening Camp David car
crash to the final neck stabbing finale. Gerard Bulter plays Mike
Banning, a former secret service agent turned treasury agent who must
save the white house from a splinter group of North Korean
terrorists. Banning is basically Jack Burton, Snake Plisskin, John
McClane (proper McClane not 00s McClane), Snow from Lockout and John
Spartan rolled into one, he's like a wise cracking Jack Bauer and
it's really what makes the film so utterly watchable. It's directed
by Antoine Fuqua who's spent the majority of his career making
thinking men's action films like Shooter, Training Day and Brooklyn's
Finest with the exception of King Arthur, Fuqua is having tons of fun
with Olympus Has Fallen and has managed to get a real great cast
together that includes Cole Hauser, Dylan McDermot, Robert Forster,
Rick Yune, Melissa Leo, Angela Bassett, Aaron Eckhart as The
President and Morgan Freeman and the house Speaker. It has some
seriously dodgy CGI FX, well better than some SYFY stuff but still
quite low compared to most hollywood action flicks, it's all part of
the charm of OHF.
WORST
GANGSTER
SQUAD (2013) Dir: Ruben Fleisher
Oh
man Gangster Squad was a fucking disappointment, after being pushed
back due to the shootings in an American theatre, the buzz for GS was
huge, this film could have been the new millennium's L.A Confidential
but it turned out to be a stylized comic book rip off of DePalma's
The Untouchables. The only people who looked like they were putting
any sort of effort in were Josh Brolin and Sean Penn and Penn
overacts throughout the entire movie. The action scenes were generic,
there were no wow moment and the film just looked fake. The biggest
problem with this film was actually Ryan Gosling who's entire
performance came across as half hearted and lifeless, Emma Stone was
criminally underused as was Robert Patrick's left over cowboy. Such a
disappointment.
BEST
07. EVIL
DEAD (2013) Dir: Fede Alverez
Ok
fuck all you haters, I really liked Evil Dead 2013, I know a lot of
hard core horror fans were like "what the fuck is this shit?", i'll tell
you what it is, it's a fucked up, viceral re-imaging of a classic
that didn't try to replicate everything from the original, they
didn't cast a guy to play Ash, they removed the comedic element and
added some seriously fucked up violence. Now this may make me sound
like a sadist but The Evil Dead is how horror movies should be done,
viceral, violent and down right scary and even though i've not been
scared by a horror film since I was 13, it does have moments that
would seriously freak the shit out of the average horror viewer. It
was a film I didn't expect to like but it actually kicked some major
ass. The lead character of Mia could become a cult horror icon like
Brucie Campbell did. Man this film really impressed me. It still
contained parts of the original like the tree rape and the cellar
demon, it contain a chainsaw and the removing of an arm, well ok you
got me there, Ash didn't lose his hand till Evil Dead 2, but the
references and scenes are there but it was a fresh take on a classic
unlike the Carrie Remake which looks remarkably similar even down to
the blood covered gown and the shower bullying scene, Evil Dead 2013
was way more original than it should have been. One of my favourite
horror flicks of the year. Dammit, now I want to watch again.
WORST
ALEX
CROSS (2013) Dir: Rob Cohen
And
the award for most generic action thriller of the year goes to ALEX
CROSS, a prequel to the films Kiss The Girls and Along Came A Spider
in which Morgan Freeman played Cross, this time around Cross is
played by FUCKIN' TYLER PERRY, that's right folks, the man who's
entire career is based of a series of films where he dresses as a
middle aged black woman is supposed to make us think he's a bad ass
action hero when in actuality he just looks like a fat black guy
trying to be a bad ass. Rob Cohen has missed the mark again after his
fuckin' laughable Mummy movie and the plot for this one is seriously
clichéd and generic. The only thing that makes Alex Cross watchable
is an unlikely performance from Matthew Fox, playing well against
type as a former spec ops soldier turned cage fighting Psychopath.
Alex Cross is shit...
BEST
06. DEAD
MAN DOWN (2013) Dir: Niels Arden Oplev
Dead
Man Down, with it's terrible title is actually a well thought out,
plotted, acted, edited, directed and acted film, especially in the
action genre, at it's core it's a revenge flick plain and simple but
it provides us a sideline to the revenge in the form of a love story
between our hero, Colin Farrell and his face scarred female
neighbour, Noomi Rapace. It may feel a bit complex at times but it's
a relatively easy to follow film that builds, as the run time
increases, to a kick ass gun battle in it's final 20 minutes. Anyone
expecting a slam bang action film will be sorely disappointed because
Dead Man Down is a slow burn thriller that at times feels like a
throwback to the kind of gritty thrillers we got in the 70s. For me,
I found myself engrossed not only in the revenge aspect of the film
but the awkward brewing relationship between both Farrell and Rapace
which finally comes to fruition in the films touching final scene.
Farrell is very good as victor but Rapace is fantastic in a role that
is far removed from her Girl With a Dragon Tattoo character. The film
is directed by that film's director and believe it or not, it's
produced by WWE films which I think turned a lot of people off. Don't
let this put you off the film as it's truly a great little gem of
film that I hope more people will check out.
WORST
THE
ABC'S OF DEATH (2013) Dir: Various
So
there's this new fad with horror, well I say new, it's not that new
but more a relaunch of the old Anthology style films, where a bunch
of short films are strung together to create a 90 minute movie all
tied together with a small but integral link to each film, Romero did
this with Creepshow and Amicus did it in the 70s with their
anthologies, in the last few years we've had a slew of them, VHS,
VHS2 and The ABC's OF DEATH. Now both the VHS flicks are relatively
good but The ABC's Of Death is an entirely different beast, it's 26
short films by 26 different directors, out of those 26 I would say
about 4 of them are worth your time, the rest? A hodge podge of
bizarro Japanese movies and Euro torture porn which is just gore for
gore's sake. Yes I know I said Evil Dead was super gory and I loved
it but that film a plot, something the majority of the films don't
have and it's over 2hrs long and around the 65 minute mark it starts
to bore the fuck of you. By the end I'd wasted 2hrs of my life
watching 22 rather shit short films. It's sooo dull and boring and
it's the same thing over and over again.
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